Love Yourself
Published February 2, 2023
Southern Marin Mother's Club
I have been intending to complete our twins' baby books for years…they will be 6 this fall. It was so joyful to finish our oldest’s baby book in 2020. Each picture brought memories that warmed my soul. I was proud of myself for how I showed up as a new mother and for all that I went through to bring her here. I cherished the simplest of moments with her. But my mentality was so incredibly different with the twins. I went into sheer survival mode, and I don’t have many memories, except when I look back at those pictures.
Sleep is a keystone habit for me. I don’t think I got more than 3-4 hours a night for over six months. I gave myself zero permission to struggle or fail and believed my worth was dissipating daily. I lost my father and mother-in-law both the same month and year the twins were born. It was surreal to be celebrating life and grieving death at the same time. I was suddenly thrown into the family business full-time (with the help of my mom, who was grieving the loss of her husband of 50 years). I became unrecognizable to myself.
I believed the 37 year old mother of three children two and under would show up just as well as the 35 year old mother of one who ran the business in a very part-time role alongside with my dad.
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother, always. I started babysitting at the age of 11, was a nanny in college, and worked in education for almost a decade. I love kids way more than I love adults, but I found myself constantly wanting to get away from my own. The guilt paralyzed me. It was in no way their fault. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and sad. I was disappointed in myself. I was supposed to be “good” at this.
I am not sure what recently changed, but I am starting to feel a shift. Photographs pop up on our TV in sleep mode and for the first time in forever, I have been able to love the woman in those pictures. I’ve given her grace, acceptance, and love. But I still haven’t been able to start her twins’ baby albums, yet.
It is hard to love yourself. As women, we are bombarded with messages and images that tell us we need to be more _____ (you can fill in the blank). It is no mystery that comparison is the biggest thief of joy. A preschooler never for a moment doubts her artistic abilities, but a first grader will tell you what is wrong with his masterpiece. What if we were able to look inward, as hard as this is to actually do, and decide for ourselves if our art is beautiful? What if we loved ourselves exactly as we are, perfectly imperfect? This Valentine’s Day show yourself some love. You deserve it.